For Women’s History Month I wanted to honor the “bad” girls of history. Then I got hung up on the definition of “bad” in this case. Do I mean bad like Nell Gwyn, orange-seller, comedienne and long-time mistress of King Charles II of England? Or bad like Countess Elizabeth Báthory de Ecsed, one of the most prolific serial killers of all time and fan of bathing in virgin blood? Both ladies are fascinating, but there are degrees of bad. I think Gwyn’s amorous misdemeanors sort of pale in comparison to murdering 600 people. But I’m judgy like that.
Being the scientific chick that I am, I chose my favorites. Without further ado, my current top 10 bad girls of history:
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| Copy of the only known Bathory portrait Artist Unknown |
It is my duty to be good to my husband and keep myself beautiful for him. God has shown me how to do this so I would be unwise not to take advantage of the opportunity.
As mentioned above, killed 600 people in pretty gruesome fashion. 600 PEOPLE. That’d be like killing all of my Facebook friends. She indulged is so many fetishes- BDSM, blood, torture, even cannibalism for Christ's sake- all in the name of her "beauty" ritual of bathing in virgin blood. (Maybe.) Bitch needed some Oil of Olay or even the fancy shit at Macy's. Good times in 16th Century Hungary.
I heard the executioner was very good. And I have a little neck.
Did she sleep with her brother? And a poet? And a groom? Did she really commit treason? I don’t know. I do know her father was a power hungry douchebag (you should definitely encourage your daughters to be mistresses- classy!) He died in disgrace and her brother was executed for treason, as was his bitch of a wife Jane Rochford (OMG, I have such a hate on for that woman.) Was Anne Boleyn evil? Probably not. A bad girl? Probably. She definitely had six fingers and a killer sense of style.
Lucrezia Borgia
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| Portrait of a Woman Bartolomeo Veneto |
Lucrezia Borgia
If people knew the reasons for my fears, they would be able to understand my pain.
Again with the incest. But also a poisoner! Actually, she was most likely just a woman intensely and selfishly devoted to her family. But poison and incest are SO much more interesting.
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| Caesar and Cleopatra Jean Leon George |
I will not be triumphed over.
Sure, she was an amazing administrator and Egypt’s culture and economy flourished under her reign. She spoke eight or nine languages (think of all the people you know that haven't mastered ONE!) But she murdered her own brother and sister to become the Queen of Egypt! She was the mistress/wife of Julius Caesar and Mark Antony! She swallowed a priceless pearl to demonstrate her wealth! Man, the legend is always so much better than the reality. For example, wouldn't you rather think I was up all night partying and that's why this blog is late? Alas, the shitty reality is that I have a cold again and slept all day.
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| Nell Gwynn Sir Peter Lely |
I am a whore. Find something else to fight about.
Gwyn’s feisty wit and lusty personality are the reason King Charles II, on his deathbed, begged his brother, “Let not poor Nelly starve.” And she didn’t. Starting out as an orange seller at a local theater, young Nell Gwyn soon found herself on stage playing parts written by none other than John Dryden. She attracted not only the attention of not only record audiences, but that of King Charles II, the Merry Monarch himself. Considered his most cherished mistress, she was also the least greedy and power-hungry: which may explain why Charles II stayed with her (despite having 13 or so other mistresses) until his death.
Breaking the cage open, the rescuers found that the LaLaurie’s had broken all of her joints, resetting them at odd angles so she resembled a human crab.
I included LaLaurie due to my deep and abiding love of New Orleans. It seems list of bad girls would not be complete without at least one lady from The Big Easy. Holy hell, this particular piece of work was fucked up. LaLaurie had a reputation for cruelty to her slaves and in fact, several were actually removed from her residence. Of course, money brought them right back. If not for a fire (purposely started by a seventy-year old slave chained to the stove) LaLaurie may have continued her sadistic torturing forever. After the incident and subsequent investigation that uncovered decades of unholy acts, an angry mob attacked the LaLaurie Mansion, setting it on fire and running LaLaurie out of the country (and thus restoring a tiny bit of faith in humanity.) The LaLaurie Mansion (since restored) was actually owned for a time by Nicolas Cage.
Tell them I don't smoke cigars.
I freak out if I get pulled over for speeding. Hell, I have such a guilty conscience, I freak when a cop talks to me. Parker was involved in at least one hundred felony criminal actions during her two-year career in crime. This includes, but is not limited to, kidnapping, murder, armed robbery and one major jail break. She also chain-smoked Camels, not cigars, dammit!
No woman can call herself free who does not own and control her body.
Considering the current controversy over birth control and woman’s health, we ladies may need to channel the spirit of Sanger in 2013. Jesus Christ, I am so fucking sick of old, white dudes nebbing into my sex life. She promoted the pill before the pill existed. And got tossed in the clink for it. She went on to found Planned Parenthood, a godsend for prom nights everywhere.
A woman can't be too rich or too thin.
King Edward VIII of the United Kingdom abdicated his throne to marry her. Enough said.
Mae West
When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.
The very first play she wrote (Sex) got her convicted on a morals charge. Not too many people think of West as a writer, but she not only wrote successful theater scripts, she also wrote much of her own dialogue. The lady who said, “Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often,” was an instant success and never looked back.
Nothing like reading about 'ole Erzsebet and Delphine to make you feel like the picture of perfect mental health. Hopefully I'll always be more Mae West, less bathe in virgin blood.
Nothing like reading about 'ole Erzsebet and Delphine to make you feel like the picture of perfect mental health. Hopefully I'll always be more Mae West, less bathe in virgin blood.
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