50 Shades of...Oh Barf: Valentine's Day!

Art: Starry-Eyed Kid

I have a confession to make. My husband and I are terrible at Valentine's Day. T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E. We actually try to pretend it doesn't exist so as to not tempt the fates. One year we had theater tickets and dinner reservations, flowers...the whole adorable little thing. Our dinner never came and we ended up late to the theater; which didn't matter because the show was awful. Another year, we had a hotel extravaganza planned. Except my husband fell and smacked his face off of a curb. So we walked through the lobby of one of Pittsburgh's fanciest hotels covered in blood at one o'clock in the morning.

We are a classy couple.

As you can imagine, I'm not a "romance" reader at all. I believe in the theory that if you've read one, you've read them all. Erotica on the other hand...ever since I got The Delta of Venus (holy shit, in high school, like 20 years ago) I've been an avid reader, so to speak. Naturally when the entire world lost their minds over 50 Shades of Grey (and Darker and Freed) I had to read them.

*Puke.*

Even if I could ignore the fact that the writing is Stephanie Meyer-level bad, I'd still want to punch Anastasia Steele in her chewed-lip-blinky face. "Oh, I'm an adult woman and I've never been kissed." What the fuck ever. She's a dolt. And all that "inner Goddess" crap? Gag.

And don't even get me started on Christian Grey. Dude's a unicorn. It isn't because of the kinky sex (because it's actually pretty vanilla sex, they just do it in a special room and they get married, for Christ's sake. Oooh, marriage. Kinky.) And it isn't because he's rich or good-looking. Or even because he's "damaged." It's because he decides what is for dinner. (I think I just heard a chorus of "Amens" up and down the block.) Sure, tie me up, blindfold me, spank me, whatever. But I will be your slave if you just decide what we're going to have for dinner.

The whole point of me skewering 50 Shades is because there is so much better porn erotica out there. Quality writing about sex is something to behold and your psyche and intelligence shouldn't be abused by this "mommy porn" shit. I compiled a list of my personal favorites. Feel free to include your own favorites. I'm always looking for new authors. You know, for research.

The Marketplace, The Slave, The Trainer, The Academy, The Reunion, Laura Antoniou
The titles speak for themselves. I'm not going to embarrass myself and you with lengthy explanations. I learned a lot from this series. Some good useful things, some things I sincerely wish I could unread.

Vox, Nicholson Baker

The fact is, I am indiscriminate. If I had called this number, and there had been a woman of extremely limited intelligence who had responded to my voice...if I could have talked her through [orgasming], that would have been a wonderful privilege and I would have [orgasmed] too and I would have hung up after twenty minutes feeling great. But that's why talking to you seems like such a miraculous once-in-a-lifetime thing, because you are smart and funny and aroused and delightful.

Sadly, I don't think this story could happen in 2013. Do phone sex lines even exist anymore? (BRB. Well they sure do! Who knew?) This entire book takes place over the course of one night. A man and a woman hook up on a sex chat line and end up connecting in a big, intelligence way.

Venus in India, Charles Devereaux
Captain Devereaux can't keep his hands off of other men's wives. Stationed in Hindustan, far away from his young wife, Devereaux explores lust as an art. The writing is lush and heated.

Erotic Tales of the Victorian Age, multiple authors
This is more cute (?) than erotic, but I had to include it because it contains a very sexy tale by "Walter." There is also a very long Lolita-like tale and I wonder if it inspired Nabokov...

The Mammoth Book of Erotica Series, edited by Maxim Jakubowski

It's like the Chicken Soup for the Soul Series, but for the sexy soul. There are at least fifty variations of this title put out by Mammoth Books. There is New Erotica, Best Erotica, Best New Erotica, Erotica for Women, Erotica for Men, Erotica for Gay folks, Erotica for Straight folks, Erotica for House Cats...I think you get my point. If you can't find something by these writers to appeal to your filthy little mind, I can't help you. Some of the more famous writers include Poppy Z. Brite, Bram Stoker (who knew Dracula was so hot?), Martin Amis, and whole host of new authors. Plus, it's all short stories; excellent for those with, ahem, short attention spans.

Nine and a Half Weeks: A Memoir of a Love Affair, Elizabeth McNeill

The first time we were in bed together he held my hands pinned down above my head. I liked it.

This another one of those books that I read when I was way too young. I totally didn't get it. Years later, I reread it after watching the terrible movie. You know how Oprah has her "Aha" moments? Yeah, that. It's hot, it's kinky, it makes you think differently about your kitchen and it's contents. It's based on a true story, which means it could happen to you!

Delta of Venus, Little Birds, Henry and June, Anais Nin

When she closed her eyes she felt he had many hands, which touched her everywhere, and many mouths, which passed so swiftly over her, and with a wolf-like sharpness, his teeth sank into her fleshiest parts. Naked now, he lay his full length over her. She enjoyed his weight on her, enjoyed being crushed under his body. She wanted him soldered to her, from mouth to feet. Shivers passed through her body.

Before I do anything, let me tell you my librarian WIN story about Anais Nin. I write for my library's (very excellent, award-winning) blog. One post was about favorite love stories. I included Henry and June because I have a fucked up idea of what a love story is. A fellow librarian read it and fell so in love with it that she now has the call number tattooed on her wrist. I am the Librarian-of-the-Mother-Fucking-Year. Nin started writing short erotica stories for $1 a page. And write she did! Delta of Venus and Little Birds is full of smart, sexy stories (or vignettes if you're feeling extra French)- about artists and aristocrats and peasants and everyone in between. Her writing is surprisingly modern and definitely stands the test of time. My personal favorite of all.

The Story of O, Pauline Reage
The classic story of submission.

The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, Beauty's Punishment, Beauty's Release, A.N. Roqualere (Anne Rice)
A retelling of Sleeping Beauty- but Beauty isn't woken up with just a kiss. This is not Disney.

Justine, Marquis de Sade
All right, I know de Sade was a little on the crazy side, but boy, he could write a good tale! Justine actually isn't so shocking now in the internet age, but for the 18th century? Dude went to jail for the book and for doing the stuff in the book Often. He was a libertine and he reveled in it- and it shows in his enthusiasm for sodomy, three-ways, orgies, and virgins.

Whew.

Have a Happy Valentine's Day, even if it's not your thing or you're single or fighting with your S.O. or you're allergic to flowers and chocolate or you're just a damn difficult human being. Always remember what Matthew Inman from The Oatmeal says about V-Day:

Less Complaining.

More Sexy Rumpus.

UPDATE:

A very awesome, smart friend of mine let me know that THIS exists. How I forgot Casanova's memoirs is anyone's guess. How I didn't know that Benedict Cumberbatch narrated it simply embarrassing. If you are unaware of who this glorious man is, watch this. You'll thank me. (Notice Timothy S., not a Swede.)